Why did I call her again? Here I am, driving home in the middle of the night-almost morning really, full of questions and doubts again. Three years have passed since the last time I saw her. I still don't comprehend what led me to dial her number. Whatever the reason for my running away three years ago, my feelings had not changed.
It had taken over an hour to get home last night. Usually, I made the transition in less than twenty-five minutes, but last night the traffic was particularly bad. Somewhere between highway 94 and 35 "our song" started to play on the radio. How long as we had listened to it together. I felt unusually self-punishing, so I forced myself to listed to it, to let the words echo in my head and flood it with memories. Memories of my weakness. Memories of her beautiful black eyes–those bewitching eyes that could penetrate me and melt me.
When I finally arrived home, I sat by the telephone wondering and debating whether or not I should try to call her. I picked up the receiver, dialed and hung up. I picked it up again, and again hung up and must have hung up at least ten more times. Finally, I dialed and waited. After two rings, I heard that voice. Suddenly it was as if I had entered a time warp, it was three years ago and things where the same.
"Hello?" greeted her raspy voice.
I stayed silent, unable to utter a word.
"Hello? Anyone there?"
I cleared my throat trying to muster up some words.
"O.K., this isn't funny!" The phone clicked with her disconnection.
I stared at the phone for what seemed hours and dialed again.
One ring... two rings... three rings... four rings.
"Hello?" Her beautiful voice greeted me again
"Hola... how are you?" I could feel my voice trembling.
"Liz, is that you? Ay mi Diosa!" I wasn't quite sure if it was happiness or anger I sensed through the phone.
"God! I've missed you." The words came out of my mouth before I could stop them.
"Where the cojones have you been for the last three years? I called everyone trying to find you and thought you'd gone back to LA!" Now, I definitely felt anger coming across.
"I know... Perdoname. I am truly sorry. I... I would like to see you."
That's all it took. Half an hour later I was sitting on mutual turf: the coffee house at Loring Park. As I waited half hoping she wouldn't show up and silently praying that she would, suddenly I felt her eyes on me. That old familiar feeling of when she came into the room and I hadn't seen her come in. I could 'feel' her close to me I looked up and there she was standing in front of me. Her black eyes burning me with her intensity. Searching my face for some kind of answer. As if looking at me would give her a clue as to why I disappeared. I studied her. She was still as beautiful as I remembered her. That short, cropped cut, black hair. Hair that glistened absorbing the dim light around her. Her olive skin tanned to a golden light mocha from the now diminishing summer. Her full naturally red lips beckoning me. She was the perfect creature that I remembered and longed to hold. I wanted to take her in my arms and never let her go again.
We spent most of the night talking in "our" coffee house - like old times. Catching up on our lives. We talked about everything but what I knew was nagging at the back of her mind. Why did I stop seeing her? Why did I avoid her? The shock on her face was more than evident, when she learned that I had never left Minneapolis that I was still here. Finally, when we ran out of trivialities, she invited me back to her apartment for a drink. When we got there, she put an old video on. I couldn't even tell you now what the movie was. I couldn't concentrate on anything other than her sitting next to me. I could feel the energy emanating from her. It was intoxicating to have her so close to me.
Finally, when the movie ended, I faced her as I moved toward her. She made no move to turn away from me. I put my arms around her and held her for as long as she allowed me. While she as still in my arms, I dared asked, "do you want t know why I stopped calling?"
Silence was my only response.
"Do you know why I hid from you?" I continued.
"Sí, but I want you to tell me."
"I... I got scared. I couldn't handle the magnitude nor ramifications of my feelings for you." She pushed me away.
"And now you do?" I could feel coldness replacing the warmth I had felt before.
"I don't know."
"Then why are you're here? ¿Que quieres?" Anger mingled with the harshness of her words.
It was a valid question. Why had I come back? I hadn't thought of her for the last three years. That's a lie! I chastised myself. I changed jobs, moved and requested an unlisted phone number, and stopped going to any places where I might run into her. I went as far as excommunicating myself form all and any mutual friends. All these decisions were made to ensure that I would never run into her again. I had to ask myself, "why was I here now? What had changed in me?"
"No se. All I know is that I missed you. I simply could not stay away any longer Mich."
"What do you want Liz?" Was that hope I detected?
"I don't know... Sí se... that is… I know. All I know is that I want you."
She pulled back and looked into my eyes. I could see myself through her eyes. The doubt, the recriminations, the pain I'd caused. What did I expect? I was surprised she hadn't thrown me out of her apartment by now. I was shocked that she had even agreed to meet me.
"¿Me quieres? And then what, Liz? Am I going to hear from you again? Are you going to get 'scared' again?" I could feel the anger and the bitterness flashing in her eyes. "Have you any idea how I've felt? How you have made me feel? The pain you caused me? One day you're my best friend, things are great and the next minute, poof, you disappear! What the fuck am I supposed to say now? 'Gee Liz, I'm glad you decided to come back from the dead and want me." She was laughing bitterly now, tears forming in her eyes. I could feel mine not too far behind as I stood there with my hands in my pockets looking every bit as pathetic as I felt.
"What the fuck do you mean you want me? Just as the words poured out of her beautiful lips, I realized, the awareness of my statement had finally hit home.
Suddenly terrified, I managed to mumble as I turned to leave, "Mejor me voy. I'm sorry, I made a mistake. It would be best for me to leave."
"Go ahead why don't you! ¡Vete! Run away. Goddess forbid La Gran Lizbet Coronado might show some emotion. Don't let me or the guilt over the pain you inflicted upon me make you uncomfortable in any way!" She was visibly shaken. Her hands clenched at her sides as if willing herself to become rigid.
I stood back and looked at her. I knew, in my heart, I deserved whatever ill treatment she could throw at me. I had no right to be in this room. But god how I wanted her. To feel her body next to mine, to kiss those full, red lips and lose myself in her. All I could do was to be as honest with her as I could.
"I haven't been able to stop thinking about you for the past three years. I don't care what that makes me anymore! Quiero estar contigo. I want to try and be with you. I'm ready to face whatever I have to. So long as you'll give us a chance." With that said, I could no longer control my tears.
"¿Que?" Am I supposed to be sympathetic now? Be happy that after what you did and a little soul searching you decided you want me?" The resentment in her eyes was penetrating me like a sword. "¡Joder, Lizbet! I haven't seen you, talked to you or heard from you in three years! You didn't even have the decency to tell me goodbye. Ni una llamada. Not even one, single call. I was worried sick over you! I didn't know if you had died in some freak accident were sick or wondering the streets with amnesia or something. I got nothing from you. ¡Nada! You could at least have had the decency to let me know you were still alive. At the very least you could have done that! I deserved better than how you treated me!"
I looked at her. All I could respond sounded feeble, "I loved you. I think... no... I know, I still love you." The wild beauty her outrage was bring forth hypnotized me. She was breathing hard. I had to concentrate not to stare at her heaving breasts, rising and lowering, bewitching me. Calling me. Tears flooded down my cheeks now. Suddenly, I was sobbing. Whatever control I had managed to maintain washed away in a river of emotions I had denied myself for a lifetime. In that moment as those words escaped my lips, I knew I could no longer hide my true self. I would no longer be able to work myself to death, stay as busy and distracted as humanly possible, live as a hermit without letting anyone close to me, but I knew deep within myself what I was trying to hide. I hadn't hid from Mychele, I had hidden away from myself. I'd denied myself to live, to truly live.
I must have looked pretty pathetic at this point with my uncontrollable sobbing because her pity for my predicament won over her rage. She came towards me and held me. I shook in her arms crying for what seemed a lifetime. All the while, images of my life were screaming in my head forcing me to see what I had blinded for so long.
Finally, after I managed to retrieve some composure, I asked without breaking the embrace, "Mychele, do you remember the first time we met?"
I could feel her smiling face as she gently kissed my head. "Yes, I do. You were sitting in the coffee shop at Loring Park, reading a book on ... the life of... who was it again?" All the anger had left her voice now.
"Generalissimo Francisco Franco of Spain." I answered.
She laughed as she retorted, "I remember looking at the title of your book from where I was sitting and trying to decide if you were extremely boring or extremely fascinating."
"¿Y? To what conclusion did you arrive?"
"Extremely..." She playfully paused and smiled as she looked deep into my eyes, "...fascinating."
"I remember seeing you and thinking, 'I want her to talk to me but I hope she doesn't think I'm a lesbian.'"
That sent her roaring and I joined in the laughter.
"¿Ves? Those holier-than-thou bible thumpers are right! We do set out to convert those poor innocent straights."
"You didn't convert me. I ran away remember?" As soon as I said it wished I hadn't. Silence filled the room with tension again.
It was Mychele who had the strength to cut through the thick fog that was beginning to come between us. "¿Que pasó? Talk to me, Liz. Tell me what went and is going on in that hot head of yours."
"Bueno, here it goes then: I've known what I am since I couldn't even begin to tell you when. I knew I was denying myself. But the day I saw you, I had to know you. I thought if I talked to someone who was really gay, I'd realize I wasn't."
She pulled back and we sat on the sofa. She leaned back, crossed her legs under in the familiar yoga style and just looked at me. I knew her mind was racing, but she let me continue without interrupting.
"Pero, the more I got to know you, the more I realized I was lying to myself. You were so open, so honest, so up front and so giving. You became my best friend. I waited and hoped that you would a make a move on me all the while dreading that you would. More accurately, I was terrified of what my reaction would be if you did. Pero, you never did. And I became more and more exasperated with my dilemma. I simply did not know what to do and was terrified."
"You were my friend. A straight friend para menos. I wanted you too, you know? I had to practically force myself to not make a move on you. All the while, in the back of my head, I was glad you disappeared. Nada que pensar. The pressure was off. I no longer had to worry about letting it slip one day. I was extremely attracted to you."
All I could respond to her honesty was a feeble apology, "I'm truly sorry I hurt you, Mych. Perdoname."
"Why didn't you talk to me about it? If not your feelings for me, then about your feelings about your sexuality. You must have known that I would have been objective that I wouldn't try to influence your decision one way or the other."
"I had not doubts about how you would have been, Mych. No eras tu. I just wasn't ready to deal with it. All those years of Catholic school, of my family and their bigotry were paralyzing my ability to deal with my sexuality. It was sheer terror to think of what they would have said to me. Their reaction to it. My Madre has had a bad enough time with them. I simply couldn't imagine causing her any more pain."
We stayed quiet for a long time each lost in our own thoughts. Feelings forming in us but we were unable to verbalize them.
"Do you remember the last time we spoke? Te acuerdas? I fell down the stairs and you came running down and..."
"...and I helped you up. I put my arms around your waist and you held onto my shoulders. I remember thinking I wanted to kiss you and thought I sensed the same from. Believe me, Liz, that memory has played over and over in my head for the past three years! I thought you sensed my attraction to you and I had scared you away."
"God Mych, I wish you'd kissed me. I think back and wished you had... maybe things would have been...different." Her voice trailed off uncomfortably.
Do you really believe that Liz? ¡Coño! If you disappeared for three years over a 'moment', what would you have done if I'd actually kissed you? You probably would've joined a convent or something!"
That sent us both on another bout of laughter. But this time it was nervous laughter. We both knew what was really happening and were waiting for each other to make the first move.
"Finally, I looked at her and leaned closer. "Hell, if I wait for you to make the move, I'll be an old lady." I put my hands behind her head and pulled her toward me. I had her face not even an inch from mine. I could feel her warm breath on my lips. I looked in her eyes and I could see her searching mine for some doubt. But the Gods knew I had none. I pulled her closer and touched my lips to hers. Sometime before our lips touched, she whispered "¿Segura? Are you sure?" But by then it was too late. The movement those words caused simply led her lips to cares mine.
I was lost! She wrapped her arms around me and we kissed until my breathing became a panting. I pulled back and kissed her eyes, her forehead, her cheeks. I caressed her face with my lips wanting to savor all of her. To treasure this moment forever. I could feel her heart beating against mine. Her body responding to my touch. I kissed her again. This time hard, demanding, hungry for all of her. Her tongue circled mine and licked my lips. I could feel myself giving in. My hands pulled her close, pressed her head to me, caressed her back, squeezed her, grabbing her arms frantically wishing I could touch all of her at once.
Suddenly, she broke the embrace and stood. She looked down at m and smiled. "Ven." She said as she offered me her hand. I took it and she pulled me up in front of her. Standing so close to each other, I could feel her breath on my forehead. She leaned down and kissed my forehead, gently like mother would. I looked up and she took my lips in hers. She took possession of my soul with that kiss. I savored her proving tongue. She wrapped her arms around me and pulled me closer. I felt my legs weakening and my body tremble with desire.
"Come with me." She began walking toward the bedroom. I watched her walk away. Her strong back, her lean legs, and confident swagger was seductive. My body responded to her nonverbal call and followed her without even requesting permission to move.
By the time I walked in her bedroom she was already unbuttoning her shirt. I froze. She stretched her right hand to me. As if under a spell, I walked toward her, my own hand reaching for hers. She squeezed my hand as she pulled me close to her. We looked into each other's eyes, searching for some evidence of hesitation. She smiled and kissed me gently. She stood back and guided my hand to her chest. I could feel my heart pounding, sure it would burst any minute. I felt my body begin to shake uncontrollably. I had fantasized about this moment but never actually thought it would happen. I felt as if I had walked into a dream. "God! If this is a dream, don't ever let me wake up?" She laughed and pinched my hand.
"No dream, Liz." I didn't realize I had spoken my thoughts out loud. I could feel my face blush with embarrassment.
She took my face in her hands. "Are you nervous?"
I nodded and looked at my feet, feeling like a child. "I'm scared of not being able to please you."
"Don't be afraid, mi amor. Just concentrate on how good it is going to be."
I looked at my hand still resting on her breast and felt the heat radiating through her shirt. I collected all my nerve and began unbuttoning her shirt. She stood there and let me undress her allowing me to initiate. When her shirt was off, I caressed her breast through her sports bra. I marveled the firmness of her small breasts, feeling them harden under the material. I reached behind her and freed them. I put my hands on her breasts and felt my palms tingle with sensation as her nipples touched the center of my hands. I leaned down and kissed each breast. I suckled her nipples and felt them come alive in my mouth. I felt her gasp and she put one hand on my head as the other caressed my face. I circled her orioles losing myself with pleasure. I reluctantly stopped and began kissing her neck, her chin and back to her lips.
Our breathing was hard and labored. She pulled my t-shirt off me and frantically struggled to unhook my bra. We laughed at our clumsiness as we battled with our clothes. The button of her jeans ping-ponged around the room as it snapped off. We pulled each others' jeans off in a desperate rush. I fell back and landed on the floor as I tried to pull my jeans over my boots. I made a mental note that my boots should be the first to come off next time! I laughed and rolled on the floor wrestling with my boots. She came down and helped me with my predicament. She kneeled in front of me and pulled off my boots. Then reached over and slowly pulled off my jeans, caressing my legs as she shed off the unwanted material. In one smooth continuous, movement, she glided over me sending tiny electrifying sensations through my skin as her breast traveled over my body, barely touching. I pulled her down and wrapped my legs around her hips hugging her with my entire body, kissing her desperately, forcefully. She responded equally demanding. Her hands squeezing my full breasts, my hands on her back delighting in the softness of her skin under my touch. I pushed her gently so I could feel her breasts again. The tenderness of those mounds! My hand enveloped her small breasts and guided them back to my mouth. She held her breath and pushed my head demanding, with less gentleness. I responded by putting a nipple between my teeth and gently bitting down as I pulled my head back. She pushed her head back and ran her fingers through my long hair, her fingers tightening on my scalp.
I wanted more control. I pushed her on her back and got on top of her before she even had time to protest. I kissed her and caressed her breasts, spreading her legs with my right knee. We began our sensual dance. Everything fell into place, my body responding to her erotic sway. It felt so natural the way our bodies fit together as if they were meant to connect this way, like finding that last piece of the puzzle and completing the final product. I could feel her wetness through her underpants on my thigh. She pushed her leg against me and I thought I'd die of pleasure.
"God, I want you." My voice hoarse with desire.
"I'm right here Liz." She moaned as her eyes smiled up at me glazed with need.
I could feel myself drowning in her body. The warmth and softness of her skin. I wanted to lose myself in her and not be found. I pulled back and admired her beautiful, strong body.
"You can do whatever you want. Soy toda tuya. I'm all yours." I caressed her lean neck, her chest, her breasts, her stomach, circled her belly button. I put my hand under her panties and pushed them off and lowered myself to get a better look. I never thought a woman could look this beautiful naked. So different from me but so similar. I ran my finger over her dark hair. Her hips lifted to meet my hand. My fingers began acting on their own. I closed my eyes at the pleasure of feeling her. Her damp lips opened to my touch, welcoming me to their dark secrets. My hand became instantly wet with her. Without thinking I began to caress her, rubbing my fingertips over her inner lips, her opening and they glided in her. The sensation of her was maddening. Her walls tightening and opening as I inserted one finger, then two, then three, exploring her. She lifted her hips and pushed against me. Her eyes half closed. I kissed her tenderly. She pushed her tongue in my mouth in rhythm to her hips. I got the message. It's fascinating how one can communicate without words. My hand automatically responded before I had even finished my thought. I began my own rhythm and she bit my lips and pulled back startled. "Sorry." she whispered. I kissed her again and pulled her lower lip with my teeth. I went back to her breasts. My hand was working frantically now. Her hands tight on the back of my head, then on my breasts, on my shoulders pulling, tightening. Then time stopped I felt her spasm travel from deep within her to my fingers, my hand, my arm, my entire body felt her joy. Without wasting time, I positioned myself between her legs. I could smell her spent desire and it called me to satisfy her again. I lifted her knees and spread her legs. My tongue opened her lips as my fingers had just done. The taste of her intoxicated me. I licked, savoring her nectar, licking her opening trying to drink up her elixir. I heard my name being called out from what seemed miles away. I was in a trance. Her hands gripping my shoulders and my head kept me centered. I could feel her pulling my hair. I began to explore other mysteries. I took her pearl in my mouth and marveled at how it felt between my lips and the tip of my tongue to the rest of my body. I felt her tremble as I tickled it. I began to circle it, teasing it.
Please... Liz... Ay Diosa mia! Liz... I can't" I smiled as I heard her plea. My tongue and lips betrayed my attempts to keep her climax at bay. She pushed up and took my hand. Her body tensed and I felt her explosion. Her legs tightened around my head and I thought I'd suffocate with the pleasure of it all. Her energy flowing into me pulling me into her ecstasy maddened me. My body shook with hers and we became one, floating in this newly found dimension. I crawled into her arms over her and felt my hot tears run down my cheeks. How could I have denied myself this ecstasy for so long? The stupidity and futility of it. The senseless wasted time. How could I have allowed my fears to overpower my better judgement? She held me and let me cry, kissing my tears away and whispering sweet words into my mouth.
When I could tell by her even breathing that she had fallen asleep, as she lay in my arms, an uncontrollable panic took over my sense of being. I don't know what came over me next. I got up slowly, quietly dressed and walked out the door. I had to leave.
So, here I am driving home. Thinking of her. My feelings for her have definitely not changed. But I can't give myself to her. I don't want her to have me. I am afraid of losing myself. I don't want to think what she will think of me when she awakes to find me gone. I just needed to get through this. I just had to get her out of my system and by making love to her I did. One can't go back in time, anyway. The past is gone and becomes part of history. The time to form any type of relationship with her was three years ago. But I chickened out and ran.
Wait a minute! I ran!
I slammed on the brakes causing a couple of cars behind me to almost swerve off the road. It dawned on me. I'm running away, again! I love her and I'm running away, again. Who cares if time has gone by? The most important factor here is our feelings for each other. So what is the matter? I'm taking the easy way out.
I reached her apartment door. I thank all the Gods because she's forgotten to lock it. I go in as quietly as I can. I take off my clothes and crawl back in bed with her. She immediately wraps herself around me and I fall asleep.
We sleep soundly in each other's arms. Our bodies molding into each other fitting perfectly. I awake in a daze. Mychele's body is warm in my arms, her legs entangled with mine. I feel safe and unusually calm. As if I'd done this a million times before. As if waking up in her arms is a natural, everyday occurrence. Her breath on my neck soothes me and comforts me. This feels so natural and wonderfully secure. I open my eyes and scan the room, enjoying the first signs of daylight flowing through the windows. The light breeze of Spring brings a magical feeling into the room. I can hear the birds calling their mates outside. How I love Spring. But this particular Spring morning I feel invigorated.
Mychele stirs and I hold her closer to me, kissing her forehead. She opens her eyes and smiles as she shocks me, "I'm glad you came back last night."
"You knew I'd left?" I ask in a panic.
"I felt you leave. I laid here for while after I got up to unlock the door."
"How did you know I'd come back?" I ask incredulously.
Her expression becomes serious as she answers, "I didn't. But I hoped you would. I'm glad you did."
I am at a loss for words. As she presses herself closer to me and whispers in my ear, "How do you feel?"
What a question. How can I possibly verbalize the joy and happiness flowing through my veins? All the while panic and fear intertwines themselves with this new found glee. I know that somehow I must learn to deal with this frantic sensations and how to overcome them. The only way I can respond to her is by kissing her.
She returns to me and I feel her passion reawaken. "I believe I owe you a little reciprocation, querida." That is all she says as she teasingly begins to spread my legs with her knee. I close my eyes and I feel her hand caress my breasts as she nibbles my neck and our love dance begins once again.
THE END
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