My Eulogy

There comes a time when we must take stock of one’s life.

We look back when the road ahead is shorter than the road in the rear-view mirror.

We wave goodbye to the hopes and dreams that stayed on the side of the road

and celebrate the ones that we were able to carry to fruition.

And so I look in the mirror embracing the image that stares back in wonderment.

The image of this middle-aged woman looking back at me…

Bright eyes that have seen too much life to allow being as carefree as she hopes to be

Soulful eyes smiling at the irony that no matter how much she’s hoped to extinguish it

they still hold a spark for life and a hunger for joy

Graying hair stands as a testament of determination to not buck under pressure

To be inflexible when it comes to defining beauty

A middle-aged woman… no lies in a box is going to change that

Just like the crows’ feet slowly creeping around my eyes

And the stretch marks in unmentionable places

Or the skin tags around my neck

And the age spots on the thinning skin of my hands where the lines are getting deeper

and more pronounced with each passing day

They are all true. They are me

And if nothing else I am true

I am true to the pain that inspires me

The depth of my sensibilities

The tears which shed so much more easily now

This desperate need to be understood and loved

So, I stare back at this woman whom I know so well and keep hidden

Who loves deeply and refuses to give up hope

Afraid, lonely, and determined

Determined to not be defeated

Full of pride - like a doubled-edge sword to help pay dues for refusing to cave in

Head held high no matter what or how deeply the pain has cut

Refusing victimhood

embracing rage and compassion in its stead

Because I have learned that both can be held simultaneously

to inspire and keep me focused on moving forward

even when the weight of this melancholy has made it hard to breathe

and leads to that old familiar condition

Bringing forth my true nature

A comforting place (really), somewhere between pain and pleasure

Stubbornly determined to be present while

Trapped in the midst of joy and misery

Where neither tears or mirth dwell

Where I’m restless

Uncomfortable without respite

This place which fits me best as I take stock of a life well lived

A life full of amazing experiences that have shaped me

Into the flawed and hopelessly optimistic woman I have become

A woman who has loved deeply, incredulous of deserving the love bestowed upon me

A woman who each and every day strived to be a good person

knowing full well that I’ve always fallen short

…but I tried.